Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Biker Chick Fight

Biker-Chick
The Sash in me has a very dirty mouth, is an angry, heartless, cutthroat woman, and wants to rip your scrotum off of your bleeding body.

"Fuck you! Suck my dick, you ass rat! I'll cut your fucking eyes out!"

This is pretty much the first thing that I hear in my head when someone crosses me. Cut in front of me on the road, fail to pay for a service our company has provided, ask for a discount when I've already given you the "Good Guy" price, throw your cigarette butt out the window into me when I'm riding, talk on your cell phone and weave between lanes. . . and you've got some Sash coming. And she's not a nice lady.

Sash has a place in my life. Sash is a rude biker chick with a chip on her shoulder, similar to someone with a Short-Man-Complex, she has something to prove. She's my protector, my warrior, my empowered self. I certainly don't have her wrangled in, especially when I'm emotional. Just try taking a swing at my hubs, or making my daughter cry, or breaking my friend's heart. Cut off my riding partner on the road and I'll cut your fucking heart out and throw it in your face. I won't just walk up and kick a dent in the fender of your car, I'll kick a fucking dent in your goddamned head with my size 7 steel toe motorcycle boot.

I come from a background of violence. I'm not proud of that, but I've learned to stop pretending to be someone I'm not and embrace my own uniqueness. By nature, I'm a violent person. Through growth, hard work, and self improvement, I've learned to manage those emotions and be accountable for my reactions. I'm proud to say I haven't harmed anyone for quite sometime. But I often feel right on the edge of bashing someone in the head with a highball glass. (They're pretty hefty, easily accessible in a bar, and will knock a fucker out with one blow. Just FYI!) Sash is the fighter, the part of me who fears no man or woman, who's had enough of your shit and is ready to inflict pain. Much like a Mr. Hyde, Sash lurks in the dark recesses and wants to fuck your world up if you hurt me.

I'm learning lately to let her have her say, privately with my hubs Highway, or let her vent here in my writing, and then step back. I needn't respond to the person who has wronged me with such passion, as I've done most of my life. Being able to express those feelings, understand their origins, address that frustration and anger, and the CHOOSE how to react outwardly is growth for me.

I mean what I say when I talk tough, although I do my best not to follow through. It's not from lack of desire nor courage. I don't fear getting in a fight, or even getting the shit beat out of me. Sadly, that's happened more times in my life than I can count. I'll recover and if you don't kill me, I'll come back for you. I avoid following through because I want to change my behavior and be a kinder person.

That's what falling in love will do to a person.

Being in love with Highway has changed that angry, spiteful person I've always been and makes me want to be a better human being. It's softened my heart and helped me feel good feelings again, for the first time in nearly 20 years. I lost someone I loved very, very much in 1997 and after that I didn't care about anyone but my daughter. My heart was so broken I wanted to die, so I shut off all of my feelings and just went through the motions of life. I married a man I didn't love and lived a life that was an act, just to get my daughter raised. Once I met Highway I felt something for the first time after all of those years. It made me want to live again after being dead inside.

I still have a long way to go, but I'm doing my best to keep Sash in her place. In my life now, I'm capable of being emotional, expressing my feelings, and addressing my hurt without slitting your throat. Just don't push me too far, because you might meet a very angry side of me who's just dying to hurt you, and hurt you very, very bad.

biker-chick

11 comments:

  1. I'm proud to say I haven't harmed anyone for quite sometime.

    I want to imagine that on your wall you have one of those number flip charts like those that chart accidents in warehouses that says: "DAYS SINCE I GAVE SOMEONE AN ASS-KICKING."

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    1. Chris I may have to get one of those. . .
      :)

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  2. C'mon Sah tell us how you really feel.....

    I am glad that love has shown you the way to a calmer Sash, one that lurks under the surface but arises when you need her.

    PS - remind me never to make you mad. :-)

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  3. Sash:

    I am the opposite of you. Fighting solves nothing except perhaps prove who has the strongest muscles

    bob
    Riding the Wet Coast

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    1. Bob,
      Steve is the same as you. It's a fierceness that has come from being abused. Fight or flight. For me I was pushed to fight when I was young, although at first I was passive. My siblings and my mother would only hit more if I was passive, yelling, "Get up and defend yourself!!"
      In high school I was aggressive and I found that no one took advantage of me, but it was a lonely existence. It has taken years to open up and trust. And I don't trust as much as I would like to.
      It's a long road.

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    2. Tina:

      I think that I saw too much conflict when I was younger so I am accustomed to just walking away. I am generally quiet and just observe . . . I form opinions fairly fast and I know whether I am wanted or not. When I see others in this same situation I feel that I have to help them in any way possible. I have more empathy than a person can have

      bob
      Riding the Wet Coast

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  4. Tina, under all the tough talk about ass-kicking lies a person with a heart of gold...at least that's what I'll tell myself. Please don't hurt me. I think I'll stick with Michael Jackson on this one, "I'm a lover not a fighter". Thanks for another great post. :-)

    Cheers,
    Curt
    Live Free. Ride Hard. Be Happy
    www.curtcarter.com

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  5. Tina, I don't remember how in the world I got to your blog, but I'm really fascinated by your truthfulness. I am actually a Christian and boy did I have a lot to let go of in terms of anger and hate and wanting to mutilate everyone who was rude to me or my friends or family, and just wanting to bash someone's brain in, but I thank God, Jesus, rescued me from all that. After over 35 years I still feel like doing some of those things to people I cross paths with, but like you, I have learned to keep my feelings in check. I have a lot of respect for people who are true to themselves. Not many people out in the world are. You and Steve are two very special people. All the best to you both. Jaime Rivera, I am originally from New York City, but now living in Pennsylvania. P.S. I started riding in January of 2013.. I look forward to riding until I fall over dead. One year on a Honda Shadow Spirit 750. Looking to get a much bigger bike to head out on the road on long haul trips. Peace.

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    1. Jaime,
      Thanks so much for the compliments. Forgive me for being slow in my reply. :)

      It has been a long road to come to a place of respecting, liking and even loving myself and it took wearing many masks to realize I liked the authentic me. I am sorry to those whom I tried to please by being someone I thought they wanted.

      Hopefully our roads will cross one day Jaime on the beautiful highway of two wheeled destiny!

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  6. Tina !!!! I fkn love you ! Had some recently call me a fkn weirdo for being the same way and speaking my mind, even said I was "oddly aggressive" the lttlebitch does not know me! Anyway won't get back into it but I just had to say - YOU FKN ROCK MY WORLD! I have had to walk away and let these fkrs think they have won , truth is they too would have seriously regretted the outcome had I let my HELLCAT out of the bag!

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    1. Linda,
      You know I love you too! It's so hard to be criticized, no matter who you are or how much you like yourself. I think only supremely evolved human beings are untouched by criticism. I'm learning that it is in my nature to be so aggressive and fight for myself, but not everyone is built that way. My hubs is so kind and understanding of others that being criticized doesn't anger him, it hurts him. Of course, hurting his gentle soul angers me and makes we want to rip a person's head off. Ha ha ha!!

      You stay true to your Hellcat Ways! Your wouldn't love and respect yourself if you didn't. And loving yourself is far more fulfilling than being loved by others.

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About Sash


People call me "Sash" because I'm a former beauty queen in my old home town. My father used to ride in an MC which got me interested in the culture. After my last divorce I said "goodbye" to Susie Homemaker and became the rude biker chick I always felt inside. (Read more...)