"Fuck you! Suck my dick, you ass rat! I'll cut your fucking eyes out!"
This is pretty much the first thing that I hear in my head when someone crosses me. Cut in front of me on the road, fail to pay for a service our company has provided, ask for a discount when I've already given you the "Good Guy" price, throw your cigarette butt out the window into me when I'm riding, talk on your cell phone and weave between lanes. . . and you've got some Sash coming. And she's not a nice lady.
Sash has a place in my life. Sash is a rude biker chick with a chip on her shoulder, similar to someone with a Short-Man-Complex, she has something to prove. She's my protector, my warrior, my empowered self. I certainly don't have her wrangled in, especially when I'm emotional. Just try taking a swing at my hubs, or making my daughter cry, or breaking my friend's heart. Cut off my riding partner on the road and I'll cut your fucking heart out and throw it in your face. I won't just walk up and kick a dent in the fender of your car, I'll kick a fucking dent in your goddamned head with my size 7 steel toe motorcycle boot.
I come from a background of violence. I'm not proud of that, but I've learned to stop pretending to be someone I'm not and embrace my own uniqueness. By nature, I'm a violent person. Through growth, hard work, and self improvement, I've learned to manage those emotions and be accountable for my reactions. I'm proud to say I haven't harmed anyone for quite sometime. But I often feel right on the edge of bashing someone in the head with a highball glass. (They're pretty hefty, easily accessible in a bar, and will knock a fucker out with one blow. Just FYI!) Sash is the fighter, the part of me who fears no man or woman, who's had enough of your shit and is ready to inflict pain. Much like a Mr. Hyde, Sash lurks in the dark recesses and wants to fuck your world up if you hurt me.
I'm learning lately to let her have her say, privately with my hubs Highway, or let her vent here in my writing, and then step back. I needn't respond to the person who has wronged me with such passion, as I've done most of my life. Being able to express those feelings, understand their origins, address that frustration and anger, and the CHOOSE how to react outwardly is growth for me.
I mean what I say when I talk tough, although I do my best not to follow through. It's not from lack of desire nor courage. I don't fear getting in a fight, or even getting the shit beat out of me. Sadly, that's happened more times in my life than I can count. I'll recover and if you don't kill me, I'll come back for you. I avoid following through because I want to change my behavior and be a kinder person.
That's what falling in love will do to a person.
Being in love with Highway has changed that angry, spiteful person I've always been and makes me want to be a better human being. It's softened my heart and helped me feel good feelings again, for the first time in nearly 20 years. I lost someone I loved very, very much in 1997 and after that I didn't care about anyone but my daughter. My heart was so broken I wanted to die, so I shut off all of my feelings and just went through the motions of life. I married a man I didn't love and lived a life that was an act, just to get my daughter raised. Once I met Highway I felt something for the first time after all of those years. It made me want to live again after being dead inside.
I still have a long way to go, but I'm doing my best to keep Sash in her place. In my life now, I'm capable of being emotional, expressing my feelings, and addressing my hurt without slitting your throat. Just don't push me too far, because you might meet a very angry side of me who's just dying to hurt you, and hurt you very, very bad.