Ever since I was very young, I've had conversations with myself in a deep, meaningful way. They aren't long conversations, nor are they out loud. These aren't those mutterings of, "Where did I leave my keys. . . " ramblings. I'm talking about getting serious, looking deep inside, and getting real.
I have no idea when I did this for the first time, but I've somehow developed a habit of occasionally taking a few moments, listening to my heart, and touching deep down into my true self. Not my outside persona. Just that private person that knows who and what I am on the most intimate level. It was a conversation with her that got me to rehab over 20 years ago. It was a conversation with her that got me to leave my abusive, unhappy husband. It was a conversation with her that led me to end my relationship with my abusive mother. And it was a conversation with her that led me to this life on the road.
Now that I ride a motorcycle, the way I come face-to-face with myself is somewhere between me and some golden splashes on a bed of shattered grey sparkles.
It is a matter of exploring landscape, within and without.
Perhaps it's my upcoming birthday that has me feeling introspective and getting serious. Lately I haven't had enough time riding, as I've been working more than I normally do, as well as coping with some crappy weather here and there. I probably need about 600 miles to work out some cobwebs building in my psyche right now. There's an ache, an itch, an uncomfortable urge to look at something I'm ignoring about myself. Of course, I can't put my finger on it just yet, which is why I need to ride.
I need to sort some broken pieces in my heart and the only place that makes sense is on my motorcycle, moving swiftly, roaring motor, eating wind. I need to feel my heart pounding, roll my throttle, own my personal chunk of road. I need to take ahold of my handlebars and let go of every thing else that is and ever will be. I need to turn myself over to the Universe and just be.
Just be. Be with my motorcycle, be on the road, be real, be me.
Now in my life, my true self exists at all times, but thrives on two wheels. Wind infused asphalt is the best fuel for my creative, authentic self. I'm starving for a big slice right now.
I need to ride.