January 26, 2014

No Men This Time

I love men. I really and truly love being with men. I love the way they smell after a long ride; sweaty from the sun, grimy from the road. You can blame my Dad for that one, because I simply loved the way he smelled when he came home after a long ride.

I've always loved men. The way men laugh hard and loud, the way they laugh at the dumbest things, the potty humor and slapstick-he-tripped-on-his-own-bootlaces-and-fell-in-cowshit humor. The way men can just watch football and shout and grunt and scratch and no one is offended by one another. The way men sit at a bar and stare off in the distance and think of NOTHING together, with no need to fill the air with meaningless chatter. I love when a man is strong, when a man is vulnerable, when a man is independent and when a man is loving.

I'm not just talking about my hubs, who I love more than any other man. Ask any man who's met me and he'll tell you I just love men. Paul (Arizona Harley Dude), Dan Diego (I Never Finish Anyth.), Lucky (The Great Motorcycle Pizza Tour), and George Ferriera (Riding The USA) will all tell you I'm a lover of men. Men who ride motorcycles have a very, very special place in my heart.

But make no mistake women; I don't want YOUR man. I don't want to screw your man or steal him from you (which I don't even believe is possible). At most I want to make him laugh, ride motorcycles with him, and swap stories of road tales. I don't want to be felt up by him, or touch him other than a big hug and maybe a peck on the cheek. I may want to sit close and smell his essence (yeah, I really like that!) And it's not my fault if he goes home and whacks off after meeting me. If he does, I'm flattered and all, but that's his business, not mine.

My therapist tells me that women find me threatening because I'm so open about my wishes, my thoughts and desires. I've certainly met those women and I simply like to think neither of us is right or wrong, just different. I have a few female friends who like me this way and know deep in their hearts I don't want their man. They just get me. My therapist also tells me I'm a little too manly for many women, which I can clearly see. I'm not manly in a physical way, but just in the way I think.

So I wanted to join a group of women who ride and perhaps think like I do. I looked on Meetup and found a group of women riders in San Diego. I liked what I read in the bio so I paid the membership dues and joined:

Our group is primarily Lady Riders, enjoying new roads, scenery and destination spots in a relaxed no drama setting. Perfect group riding setting for the newer rider as we keep to the speed limits, take our time and enjoy the view. Rides range from shorter off freeway, to overnight camping. We welcome ALL bikes!! We are a diverse group of riders which makes this group light and fun!

When I saw overnight camping, I was sold! All I could think was how much fun that would be to motorcycle camp with chicks! Once I joined I found 25 riders in the group, but to my amazement, a few of them were men, including one of the organizers. I had already RSVP'd for a ride, but changed my mind and sent this message:

I was really looking for a group of women only. I have no problem riding with men, but the dynamic I am seeking could not be achieved with a male in a leader/organizer role. I would like to remain a member (since I already paid) and when the ride is women only I would love to attend. Perhaps this should be explained in the group bio so one knows before they join it's a female group with select male riders. Had I known I wouldn't have joined most likely.

The replies I received were kind, but they didn't seem to get my point:

I don't know you but you need to keep an open mind. The people who ride with us just love to ride. We're just a big family of riders.

This group is 99.3% female. We only have 2 active men. This is why our description says "Primarily" lady riders instead of ONLY lady riders. We are very relaxed and that is why husbands are welcome to join if they respect the dynamics.

You need to lighten up! You need to get out of any relationship where your husband won't let you ride with other men. Maybe you should stand up for yourself and do what you want and join us Sister!

I've decided to remain a member and just see how things progress. What I found fascinating is that anyone would think I'm afraid of my husband, or that I don't love being with men. If I want to ride with men, I have plenty to ride with, including my husband I ride with everyday.

While I'm choosing to remain in the group, I'm going to look into other groups for strong, independent women who don't need a man to escort them on rides. I think men and women each need a place to be with their own, to strengthen their bonds with their same-sex friends, and help understand ourselves. I've spent most of my life being friends with men. I'm looking for women who want to be friends with women, without being called **"Birkenstock-wearing-hairy-feminists".

**I organized a camping trip years ago for "Chicks Only" and one husband was deeply offended, calling me this lovely name. He came and crashed the campsite regardless of the rest of the groups' desire to be Sans-Man. His wife, however, encouraged this behavior, finding him adorable for wanting to take care of her.



  1. There is a Lady Riders Meetup group up here in Washington. They meet and ride together and the only members are men. They do occasionally offer a coed ride and that is how I've met them. Great group of women in bikes and fun to ride with. Many of them are also members of other Meetup groups that are coed, so we cross paths quite often. I think it is very logical that they have a ladies only group.

  2. I am 150% with you on the "loving men" thing. I have been riding with men mostly, and often enough it wasn't my hubby, because he has been a late bloomer when it comes to motorcycling. Hence I rode with biker buddies. I always felt protected and respected. It's the same in my working environment. I mostly work with male engineers in a male dominated professional field, and I am loving it. It is so much easier to communicate with them. Yes, I love men, too! Thank you for bringing that on the table, Sash.

  3. This is exactly why I rounded up 3 friends and started a local chapter of the Chrome Divas: women only! I love riding with men, AND the men I ride with, but there's just something special about a ladies' only ride! I feel sorry for the person who suggested that your husband "won't let you ride" - they CLEARLY have no idea who they're dealing with! LOL I do think it's interesting that you talk about men "escorting" women on rides. I don't think of the men I ride with as "escorting me" at all - to me everyone is just part of the merry band - but maybe that's just because I'm usually the one planning and leading the ride. Maybe the men see it differently, and view themselves as escorts, I'm not sure. Interesting and thought-provoking as always, Sash - I hope you find (or start!) the group you're looking for! :)

  4. "You need to lighten up! You need to get out of any relationship where your husband won't let you ride with other men. Maybe you should stand up for yourself and do what you want and join us Sister!"

    Its never safe to assume... all it ever does is make and Ass out of U & Me.

    You don't strike me as a lay-down and get a tummy rub type of girl. Pity that's they "assumed"

    Great post as usual

  5. Great post Sash. I too am firmly in the love men camp. I've always gotten along better with men in personal life and at work. A group of women usually has way too much estrogen and drama for me.

    But the comment about lightening up and leaving a relationship - simply wow. Does that ever make assumptions.

  6. Amen sistah, you are spot on. I work with all men and I love them and I LOVE being in women only events and activities too, its a completely different energy. Keep up the great writing.


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