"I feel so good. I love myself. I love everyone."
The Universe laughs loudly in my face.
"Oh you stupid, silly fool. Ready for your next challenge? Let's take a deeper look into your own heart and see what's left from the past."
What I found left me deeply disturbed. Demons have a way of doing that.
That fucking bitch who has haunted me since high school still irritates the shit out of me after all this time.
I decided at nearly the last minute to fly back to So Cal to attend my 30th High School Reunion. Having known for over a year the event was approaching, I made no specific plans whether to attend or not as I knew I would be Road Pickling. My day-to-day adventure far outweighed my need to "be seen and impress" by people I had known so many years ago. But just a few days prior to the event, I made solid plans, bought a plane ticket from Denver to San Diego, and decided to go. The only caveat was we were in Minneapolis and had to get our asses to Denver within 10 days.
We rode through some lovely country at the best speeds we could manage to make tracks for Denver. On our second day riding we got crop dusted on a small Iowa road in the early evening. Highway began coughing immediately, eventually developing a bacterial infection. We stayed two nights in Rapid City, SD, never leaving our hotel bed, in an attempt to give him a chance to recover. When we reached Scottsbluff, NE a few days later, the infection hit me like a freight train. An early morning trip to Urgent Care and another 2 days in a hotel bed, and we were able to make a last ditch effort to reach Denver. We arrived exhausted, sleepless, sick and still infectious only 11 hours before my flight.
The best thing about going to my high school was the enormous amount of pride we all had in our school and our town. Many, many students from my graduating class still stay in close touch with each other and make great strides to have get-togethers. One of those people is "W", who, after some sweet-talking and ass-kissing, ended up as the Committee Chairperson for our official 30th Reunion. She worked hard to make it a success and even though she had a committee that helped her, it really appeared to be all about her.
Of course, "W" and I were friends, back in the day. Then we weren't. Then we were. Then we weren't. Are you detecting a pattern? She became deeply disillusioned and disappointed in me when I changed my life after my divorce and voiced it in her Anonymous comments here. (FYI, your IP address will give you away every time!)
I thought you might actually have something to say about true spirituality but that is not what I found and frankly it disappointed me. Of course I supposed some would say that everyone has their own spirituality but someone who says they "found Christ inside" would know that is not a true statement.
"W" is an expert at looking great on the outside, saying all of the right things, and being devious, hateful and bitchy in private. After I received an email asking me to "please stay away from the reunion" as she had "worked very hard" and my "attending would only ruin it for her," I felt even more enticed to attend. I spent some time thinking about the friends I wanted to see and I decided to go. Even though the thought of dealing with "W" gnawed at me and irritated the shit out of me, I felt compelled to deal with this issue, once and for all. So on to Denver we trudged.
Walking into the reunion with my closest high school chum Becke, it took no time for "W" to make a bee-line right for me.
"Oh, you made it!" she belched with all smiles and outstretched arms.
"Don't do this. Don't touch me. Let's just . . . let's just be nice." I replied.
"I am being nice," she whimpered in her best sing-songy sweetness.
"Don't humiliate yourself this way. It would be NICE if you just go away."
Dejected she moved on.
For the rest of the night I had a great time seeing my old friends. In fact, I was amazed how really good it felt to see all of these people I had grown to cherish. When 1:00 am rolled around I was surprised how fast the time had flown by and felt sad to see it all end.
It turned out my serenity had returned within moments after dealing with "W", much to my surprise. Those old scars were more healed than I thought. The demon and that fucking bitch who has haunted me since high school was really inside of me all along. Who I used to be, the wounded child, the insecure teen, the sad and lonely girl, that girl just doesn't exist any longer. She was the one I was afraid I would find in that ballroom and that's what really pissed me off.
I want to live my life being authentic. Pretending for others just rubs me the wrong way now. I don't want to live a lie to help someone else feel more comfortable. So the idea of "pretending" to like "W" after all of her vengeful, ugly behavior turns my stomach and I simply refuse to do it. But I found what really scared me was the thought I hadn't grown and changed after all of these years, all of these miles. Facing my past helped me realize that all of the serenity I had gained was authentic and I truly do love who I am today.
Telling "W" to fuck off with a calm heart and a huge smile on my face was just the icing on the cake.
Hey! I never claimed to be a nice lady. Just serene.
|Busting in with my fantastic friend Becke, my host for the weekend|
|When Fonda came to me, I welled up with tears of joy|
|Gathering for the Group Photo|
|Sexing up the joint with Jackie|
|Squeezing my pal Cynthia|
|Getting some boobie squeezes from Diane with Cyndi|
|Having a "Sashy" Moment|
|Hugging Betsie, one of my most encouraging friends|
|Hanging with Danielle, Job and my friend since age 14, Becke|
|Cyndi, me, Becke and Fonda, spreading the love|