Thursday, March 7, 2013

Homeless


When I turned that key in the door for the last time, I felt my heart drop. My high-rise apartment in the sky, my little piece of heaven, wasn't going to by mine anymore. I would never again get to sink into that enormous tub, lie in bed and count the stars, or sit on my terrace and stare off into Downtown San Diego and watch the ships pull into the bay.

This was our first home together. The home where Highway asked me to be his wife, the last place I spent time with Highway's father, who passed away last year, the place where we spent our first night as a married couple . . . gone now. But it was more than that.

I wept as I drove from San Diego with the truck's final load, off to store it for the summer. I felt a little lost, as if I belonged nowhere. I kept reminding myself that this is what I wanted, to be free. I couldn't quite understand why I felt so heartbroken.

It took a good chunk of that long drive to realize what I already knew. Change is hard. Not just for me, but for most of us, change is difficult. I can want something, think about it, dream about it, but from time to time, doing it is another matter entirely. Being homeless, giving up all the comforts I've come to surround myself with, living by the seat of my pants, literally, is wildly out of character for me. But I got so caught up in making this dream happen I never considered that I might actually be scared.

Yes, I said it. Scared. I'm scared.

Just don't tell anyone that deep down inside, Sash is really a chickenshit. Don't tell everyone that I'm afraid of that open road that I long for so fervently. And by all means, don't throw it in my face when you meet me out there. Let's pretend that I am the Bad Ass that all of my girlfriend's think I am. . .

I've learned that courage is not the absence of fear, but realizing one is afraid and doing the thing that scares them anyway. Often for me it's not about being courageous, it's about sticking to my commitment, doing the task that is laid out before me, even if I'm the one that laid it there. I could back out, but I would regret it for the rest of my life.

I've had many really bad things happen to me in my life and I need to remember, I've made it through every one of them. I was abused as a little girl, I was beaten terribly and hospitalized by my boyfriend in my teens, I was raped at gunpoint by an intruder in my first apartment, my heart stopped for 2 1/2 minutes on Christmas Eve of 2008 and I came back to life, yet none of those things killed me. If I can face a man with a bandanna on his face holding a gun to my head in the darkness of my apartment, forcing me to the floor and not shed a tear, then I can face most anything. I've walked through Hell, so what is left to fear?

Fear is a liar. It tells me something might happen that will hurt me so don't move forward. Well, something is bound to happen that will hurt me in life. Life is full of ups and downs. I'm living for the ups and muscling my way through the downs.

My biggest fear since I was a teenager has been to be homeless. I've never shared this with anyone, not even Highway. I look with pity at the many homeless people in San Diego and fear that one day I'll be like them; no options, no family, no one to help me. To be homeless now teaches me that being homeless is not the same as being unloved. Quite the contrary! I've never felt more loved in my life.

I'm the richest homeless person I know. And somehow I had to get rid of everything to realize I have all I need, after all.

8 comments:

  1. Sash:

    Emotions are not much different than leaving your last job for a new one. Knowing you will never go back to that place, ever again. In a day or so you will feel no more attachment to that place. Memories, YES but they will never be the same even when revisited. You are moving on to your next chapter in life.

    New horizons to conquer and in your case, new roads to wander. Gone will be the familiarity. Having to live with minimal possessions -- sets you free

    you are lucky. Think of it this way. What if you had a home until the very last day ? Then there will be added stress of having to deal with the leasing or rental of your home in SD, while on the road and it would be one more burden to conquer. You are lucky it happened in your favour.

    so being temporarily homeless is a good thing

    bob
    Riding the Wet Coast

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As always Bob, thank you for your insight. I'm feeling much better now that I've sorted it out. Today I woke up with a new perspective. Thanks.

      Hugs and happys,

      Sash

      Delete
  2. Sash:

    you should look into THIS:

    http://www.ironbutt.com/ridecerts/getdocument.cfm?DocID=11

    just an idea. You have ONE year to complete this

    bob
    Riding the Wet Coast

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sash, I found your thoughts interesting. 34 yeas ago I did the same thing for 18 mos, only I did it on 18 wheels and you chose 2. Nov. 27 1979, I had sold my house put everything I owned in storage except for what fit in a suit case (even closer I stored it at my sisters) quit my job took the wife (I was married at the time) went to Seattle Washington to take possession of the truck I bought. With a grand total of approximately 10 hours of driving experience after taking a commercial driving class I headed back down to Anaheim CA. to contract with Global Van Lines who would supply me with loads for my new trucking business that is the 2nd difference, you chose a lap top and the internet as an income other then that it sounds almost identical.
    I can understand your apprehension and fear but no one made me do that it was my decision and this one is yours.Even after 34 yrs I can say I do not regret it and enjoyed the adventure. I never considered my self homeless, I lived in motels and the truck truck stops where party city on weekends (stay out of rest areas) . I actually like the motels, you would leave in the morning and come home to a clean room, fresh towels, clean glasses and a made bed (maybe it's a guy thing?). After about a year I will admit I did start to miss the comfort of my own bed and familiar surroundings, but it was an experience I would not exchange and do not regret.
    I met people I would not have met.
    Seen things would not have seen.
    Went places would not have went.
    I climbed snow covered mtns. and slid down the other side.
    Drove through rain storms so heavy I couldn't see 20 feet in front of me.
    I found that bigotry & racism was still alive in the south, far more then I ever thought possible.
    I met people that in the 1980's still signed their name with an "X".
    I met people that I moved that had great stories to share about their journeys.
    I met people and seen things I wouldn't want to see or meet again. But the positives FAR out weigh the negative.
    It was an adventure that I would not change and truly enjoyed.

    This is my opinion but I think that's what life should be and Diane and I are planing the next adventure now, full time RVing for retirement to see what was missed in the truck (& we're taking the bikes).

    This is just my 2 cents Sash and I hope you enjoy this adventure for all it's worth I'm sure you'll have lots of stories at the end.

    SOO!! keep the shinny side up and the greasy side down watch your back and enjoy your adventure I look forward to reading your blog :~)

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  4. Sash they say home is where the heart is and yours is on the road with your man. Once you get on the road and get used to being out there your heart will settle and you will feel less fearful. Honey you are the strongest woman I know, but that doesn't negate how you are feeling right now and even the strongest of the strong get scared and need support. It's okay to feel fear and you are venturing into the unknown, it will be okay.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I remember my first long bike trip. It wasn't 6 months and it was only a one week ride; but still, it was a little intimidating to think of what could happen. I wondered if I was up to it. I knew what to expect since I took several 2up bike trips. We slept on beaches, in life guard shacks, on park benches and pick nick tables in rest areas. Even the ladies rest room at the top of Wolf Creek Pass in CO. It was 2 or 3 am and in the 20’s. We needed to get warm and wait it out till the sun came up.
    Car washes are a good shelter from heavy rain; no one washes their cars in the rain. Don't forget that some truck stops will allow bikers to shower there, but some are exclusive to truckers. Just act like you should be there and they usually just give you a towel and a number.
    IL to PA was my first long trip on my own bike. I had a 1200 Custom Sportster. Not the best ride for a trip. After we got back, I quickly upgraded to a larger bike and did the trip again. Two weeks later I rode from IL to CA. It felt like I had become one with my bike.
    We as riders know what can happen and we still choose to ride. Have a healthy respect for it, don't fear it, and stay alert. You and Highway both have a safe six month adventure. Get out there have fun and make those memories!
    Nothing can create a bond between two people like being on the road together. Nothing that I know of anyway.

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  6. Harley Traveler; I spent a week on the road with my son in an 18 wheeler, would not have missed it for anything! Here is a link to that story. http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=6689392669370520262#editor/target=post;postID=4038736692506532429

    We too plan to sell the house and buy a toy hualer to live in. We have to wait till we are old enough for medicare. Need that medical!

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  7. Thanks to all of you for the encouragement!

    I'm really a very lucky Lady, but sometimes I forget that. Thanks for helping me through the darker times.

    Sash
    www.sashmouth.com
    www.tinawalker.com

    ReplyDelete

About Sash


People call me "Sash" because I'm a former beauty queen in my old home town. My father used to ride in an MC which got me interested in the culture. After my last divorce I said "goodbye" to Susie Homemaker and became the rude biker chick I always felt inside. (Read more...)