Saturday, July 11, 2015

We Will Know When We Arrive

Currently I'm staying in So Cal to tend to personal business, feeling essentially grounded for about 6 weeks while having medical tests done. While I'm here, I'm finalizing the sale of my home, organizing and separating the few things we have stored here and getting them moved into storage space. This also gives me time to visit my small family and a few local friends, as well as get some work done.

Steve left today for a solo motorcycling trip. I had actually encouraged this trip and up until last week, I was excited about him going off to wander about on his own.

"There's no reason why you can't continue to ride just because I'm stuck here. I WANT you to go! Really!"

I meant that when I said it.

Then last week I was blindsided with new information like a semi plowing through an intersection over me.

Steve had decided he wanted not only to take a trip, but for the most part, we would to stop having contact during the time he was gone. Steve will let me know when he is ready to speak and I am not to contact him at all. This "Radio Silence Solo Ride" came as a shock to me in our therapist's office.

"Steve needs time alone, and by alone, I mean, he doesn't want to be required to text or call you. I think it's best for him. This is what he wants and needs," our therapist informed me as the three of us sat in her office.

Steve simply nodded, staring at the floor.

Stunned, I simply agreed to the terms. I would never want to stand in his way, take away his freedom, or stifle him. I reasoned what's best for "us" as a couple is to make him happy.

I never wanted to be one of those selfish, demanding wives who confined her husband, taking away the things he enjoyed. As a people pleaser it is my habit to please others first, before even considering how I feel. So I really meant it when I told him to go and ride solo.

But the "Radio Silence" has left me feeling hurt, manipulated and cheated. It's as if I signed an agreement and then someone pointed out the small print on another page. I couldn't go back on my word. I couldn't sit in the therapist's office and say, "Oh no then! If that's the deal, I'm out!" That would make me a "bad wife", the kind of bitch I don't ever want to be.

So I swallowed my feelings and wished him well as he left this morning. And even though I was terribly sad about him leaving, I never shed a tear.

I keep reminding myself this is all part of the journey. I'm trying to look at all of life's ups and downs as part of one long road that leads me to a wide variety of landscapes. And while this particular section of road may seem dark, it has actually shed a bright ray of light on a few hidden puzzle pieces. Right now, I don't have a full picture yet and I'm still gathering and sorting pieces, but I'm certain this time apart will be productive.

In my life I've learned these painful times can often bring the greatest opportunities for realization and growth. In fact, it seems the worse it hurts, the greater the life change that accompanies the pain. Now that Steve is out on the road and taking this time to himself, I hope he too sees what he couldn't see with me around and experiences his own kind of growth.

I also hope he realizes he will be returning to a different person. Having gone through this pain of feeling rejected and unimportant will have an impact on me. In fact, it already has. We have hit a fork in the road and only miles will tell where we will end up.

I have no intention of sideswiping him when our paths intersect again, but I'm making no promises, because right now, I can't see the road ahead. I can only see what's in my headlight and this is a brand new road I'm on.

I guess we'll both know when we arrive.

My book Rude Biker Chick: Lessons From My Daddy is available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and Smashwords. Give me your feedback on it once you've read it! I look forward to hearing from you.

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2 comments:

  1. Sash, I can very much relate to your disappointment and frustration over this rejection, especially since it wasn't "part of the deal". When my hubby is traveling (business mostly) his need/desire to contact me is usually much lower than the other way round. I love a good chat at night with my soul mate. However, being apart does not necessarily mean falling apart.
    I understand Steve's desire of "being free". I get that, too, even in a steady relationship (and I am a woman after all...). Sometimes we (especially us two-wheeled kind) this pocket of freedom to appreciate that we have somebody dear to return to.
    Just go, venture out on your own trip. Wherever it takes you, it will be different. Good luck to both of you and stay strong.

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  2. As someone who doesn't like talking on the phone I understand the radio silence, but I'd be more apt to text or email, not be in complete silence.

    All you can do is trust in yourself and each other and what will be will be. Life is what you make it and make it the best you can for you. Make your own happy, no one else can do it for you even when part of a couple.

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About Sash


People call me "Sash" because I'm a former beauty queen in my old home town. My father used to ride in an MC which got me interested in the culture. After my last divorce I said "goodbye" to Susie Homemaker and became the rude biker chick I always felt inside. (Read more...)