Thursday, November 6, 2014

Tainted Asphalt of Hate

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So often I say, "The Road is my Home," and I mean that when I say it, but on some other level of my reality, Southern California, San Diego and the suburban valley of Menifee are home to me as well. Even though I don't stay in Menifee, I own my property there and my Assistant Extraordinaire Shelli rents it. The house is her home, for her family, and when I go there, I am a guest. But a piece of me still sees the house and knows that a part of me lives within those walls. A painful ghost of who I once was. . .

I ride my motorcycle around the town with anger, resentment and rage. I remember my exx while I'm there and I know he lurks in the fast food joints and in his miserable rental house less than a mile from the home we once shared. When we initially separated he moved in with his parents in the next little town and sulked a couple of months. When Steve got his own apartment a mile from my place, my exx moved into a rental up the street from Steve's apartment. I'm sure it was no coincidence that he could see Steve's driveway from his street and he could just "BE" around all the time, driving up and down in my neighborhood.

Being in Menifee reminds me that I still feel a deep rage for this man. It saddens me that I'm not at a point of forgiveness yet, because I would like to be. But things happen in their own time, and as long as I'm willing, it will happen at some point.

I have friends in town that I love to see, but unfortunately, every event, lunch, meeting, and office I visit is only a temporary haven for the streets and parking lots that await me. Once I see the asphalt I feel the hate welling up in me and loathe this little town.

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I hate my exx for many reasons, mostly for all of the lies he told, and I wish in my heart that I could release the anger and live happily in this city of my friends. But the asphalt taints my motorcycle tires and I ride with rage, inspite of myself.

This is why I love San Diego, and all the roads beyond. I am free from my past, my reality, my mistakes with that loser, when I am rolling beyond those years and that captivity. Staying in San Diego through the holidays, I'm close enough to visit my family without having to be in the middle of that place that fills me with such pain.

For now, we'll be spending most of our time in this sunny spot on the coast, catching up on work and enjoying all it has to offer. We love the vacation rental we've found on Bankers Hill, also referred to as Park West, within walking distance of plenty of bars, restaurants and the famed Balboa Park. The ride to and from Menifee is only an hour, which is just long enough to cleanse away the black hatred in my heart for that life-sucking-vampire and miserable waste of skin zero to whom I was once married. By the time I reach the bright rainbow of lights of Hillcrest I'm happy and free again, ready to live in my new reality.

Where do you store the mistakes of your past?

Have you really left them behind for good, or do the haunt you when things get a little too quiet?

Is that when you, like me, roll back the throttle, scream in your helmet, and pull away from the pain and misery you caused yourself with bad choices and sorrowful excuses to fill in the empty spaces of your life?

women-motorcycle-rider

4 comments:

  1. Tina,

    It's funny how places, sights, and even smells can take us back. I think you're right, things will happen in time if you're open. I hope one day you can forgive your ex but most of all I hope you can forgive yourself. Just remember the past is behind us and ahead of us lies an open road...and the great thing is we can choose which road we travel.

    Live Free, Ride Hard, and Be Happy,
    Curt

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    1. Thanks Curt! You're such a Doll!
      I love being able to write about such things, because just dragging them out to see them in the light takes away the weight of them on my heart.
      I appreciate your kind words. I always do.
      Smooches!

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  2. Sash, it is almost as if the ex is still in control. It is my belief that the best revenge is to go into Manifee with a happy, open heart! Your friends are the only important people who live there and when you release the ex from your thoughts and again enjoy those friends and town he can no longer have that control. If your paths cross just smile, laugh and know you are the winner and he is just the whiner.

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  3. Those exact same feelings are the reason why I don't go back to Minneapolis, I don't work in my healthcare profession and I don't own a home anymore. My home had everything but love and happiness. My profession reminds me of my time you there with the ex and Minneapolis, the city I loved. A place that felt like home is now filled with anger because that's wear he is. Haven't been back because I feel like he's always lurking a step behind me, and he is.

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About Sash


People call me "Sash" because I'm a former beauty queen in my old home town. My father used to ride in an MC which got me interested in the culture. After my last divorce I said "goodbye" to Susie Homemaker and became the rude biker chick I always felt inside. (Read more...)